Embracing Snapchat Filters; Because Everyone Was Tired Of Seeing My Face Without Whiskers

I don’t know when Snapchat transformed from the shadiest app you could own to the dumbest, but I prefer dumb over shady all day long.

I’ve been playing with the new filters. HARD. It’s true that my insides stir when I think about the fact that each day the “featured filter” is just an advertisement in sheep’s clothing, but the little voice inside of me that screams “Doooooo it!!! Stick your tongue out and see what haaaaaaaaappppppens.” always takes over.

Here are today’s results:

Now this one my fiancé accurately described as “The stuff of nightmares”. Although, I’ll tell you what, I wish my lips were that cute in real life.

 

I feel like I’ve definitely met people who look like this one below. I’m pretty sure they were complaining about the customer service ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE I’VE ENCOUNTERED THEM.

“I’m on my lunch break, and didn’t allow myself enough time to do all my errands and it’s definitely your fault.”


 

 

If I ever get pulled over again, I plan to ask the cop if I’m pulling this off. My track record isn’t great so…any day now.

This one is just to remind you guys that I’m actually not a monster.

I feel like Tyra Banks had something to do with this next one and I’m surprised it wasn’t a promo filter for America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 126

This is the universal “I want to post a selfie/send a selfie snap, but people have been making fun of me for posting/sending too many selfies”  go-to. I see what you did there ladies… I’ve gone through the same thought process myself. It’s not annoying if there are dog ears on it. It’s completely different than the other 7 you’ve exposed us to this week. I ain’t mad at cha.

And just to prove that I’m committed to my craft; This. 

Ps. I just realized there was a piece of string in my hair throughout the whole duration of my photoshoot. Adds character.

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10 Things People Do That Make Me Want To Instruct Them To Go Throw Their Smartphone In A Lake 

Ahhhhh, the smartphone: enabling us to share our fondest memories and annoy each other since 1993.

As the creator of many unimportant Facebook updates and Instagram posts, I am by no means claiming innocence here. I would just like to share 10 things that make me want to strip away a smartphone user’s privileges.

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  1. Photos of Poorly Presented Food. I understand that food pictures are a hot-button topic for the easily annoyed. I’m not a hater of joy. I LOVE me some good food porn. I follow a Paleo diet Monday-Friday, so I could use a photo of your gorgeous brownie sundae adorned with a gooey cookie. But when people post photos of the oatmeal they ate for breakfast, out of a paper bowl with not even one berry in sight… I feel like they’ve wasted my life.
  2. People who are openly upset about the happiness of others. What kind of bitter monster do you have to be to post things like “If I have to see one more picture of a baby or an engaged couple I will lose my shit!”? I would imagine you’re the same kind of people that participate in my next order of business..
  3. Cryptic Status Updates. “Well, that would be my luck.” or  my personal favorite ” :(” …WHY ARE THERE STILL PEOPLE ASKING THESE PEOPLE WHAT’S WRONG?!?! THEY’RE JUST MISERABLE. STOP ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR.
  4. The Advertisement of Body Wraps and Miracle Juices. The before and after pictures look the same. Or it’s not the same person. Eat a banana and go for a run. Stop getting up the hopes of brides who have procrastinated their wedding diet.
  5. Bit-mojis.

    I’m arguably the most upset about this dumb shit. Maybe because a lot of people who are near and dear to me are participating. You’re better than this. Knock it off.

  6. Check-ins With No Text. You can’t just check in to a place. Write something ANYTHING… About what you’re doing there. Posts that just read “John is at 24-hr fitness” get me yelling at my screen the way that sports fans yell when bad stuff happens. (notice that I couldn’t even cite one example of this “bad stuff” that might happen during ANY sporting event.)
  7. When I see posts that read “Well, I’m doing some spring cleaning of my friends list so I guess if you don’t see my posts anymore you didn’t make the cut.” —You have NO IDEA how disappointed I am when I make the cut.
  8. Any sentence ending in “Fam“. I googled it for a while …turns out it’s just douche-baggery. It has no meaning. At all.
  9. Tweets/Social Media Updates that read something along the lines of “Welp, guess I’m off to bed for the night. g’night.” I have no further commentary on this.
  10. And last but chief among them all, if you respond to one of my texts with

    “lol. ur so random.” GO THROW YOUR PHONE IN A LAKE AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

Some Love For Justin Bieber; Because Your Mother Still Loved You When You Were A Young Punk

Let’s discuss something I’m deeply passionate about; my feelings about Justin Bieber’s behavior lately.

To say I’m disappointed in him would be the understatement of the decade , but as a full-blooded Italian that doesn’t eat meatballs or tomatoes and is living with her parents until marriage, I also know what it’s like to be judged.

I’d like to take a moment to appeal to the same soft spot in your heart that Justin appealed to in mine 8 years ago when I found him on YouTube. A squeaky, talented little kid who was doing things like this in Canada:

Now for the past 2 or 3 years, I’ll admit he’s been doing some pretty hood rat shit. For the sake of this blog post, I’ve done some research on his shenanigans and arranged a timeline of unfortunate events.

March 2013: Justin tried to smuggle his pet monkey (who’s name is OG Mally btw) out of Munich and is forced to leave him there due to the fact that he didn’t have the necessary paperwork. Can’t we all remember a time when we were crushed by the loss of a pet?

April 2013: Biebs visits the Anne Frank House Museum in Amsterdam and allegedly wrote “Would have been a belieber” in the guestbook. I laughed Justin, but this is the kind of joke you just keep between friends!!

July 2013: A video was leaked of our Canadian Sensation peeing into a janitor’s bucket and cursing former President Clinton’s name.

This is depressing me as much as his current hair color so let’s fast forward to …

January 2014: Justin eggs his neighbor’s mansion.

That’s enough. You all have seen the rest on E!

I ask  you this my friends: WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE GOTTEN INTO IF YOU WERE 18-21 YEARS OLD AND WORTH 200 MILLION DOLLARS?!

I feel like the majority of us egged a house or two (Not me Ma, I stuck to sticking road cones on my friends’ lawns because you raised me right) and would have attempted to smuggle a monkey into the country given the opportunity.

If we can’t still help but tap our fingers and sing along when Chris Brown releases a new single, it’s time to cut Justin some slack. Give him credit for his talent and some time. He’ll come around. Usher and I both belieb.