10 Things People Do That Make Me Want To Instruct Them To Go Throw Their Smartphone In A Lake 

Ahhhhh, the smartphone: enabling us to share our fondest memories and annoy each other since 1993.

As the creator of many unimportant Facebook updates and Instagram posts, I am by no means claiming innocence here. I would just like to share 10 things that make me want to strip away a smartphone user’s privileges.

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  1. Photos of Poorly Presented Food. I understand that food pictures are a hot-button topic for the easily annoyed. I’m not a hater of joy. I LOVE me some good food porn. I follow a Paleo diet Monday-Friday, so I could use a photo of your gorgeous brownie sundae adorned with a gooey cookie. But when people post photos of the oatmeal they ate for breakfast, out of a paper bowl with not even one berry in sight… I feel like they’ve wasted my life.
  2. People who are openly upset about the happiness of others. What kind of bitter monster do you have to be to post things like “If I have to see one more picture of a baby or an engaged couple I will lose my shit!”? I would imagine you’re the same kind of people that participate in my next order of business..
  3. Cryptic Status Updates. “Well, that would be my luck.” or  my personal favorite ” :(” …WHY ARE THERE STILL PEOPLE ASKING THESE PEOPLE WHAT’S WRONG?!?! THEY’RE JUST MISERABLE. STOP ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR.
  4. The Advertisement of Body Wraps and Miracle Juices. The before and after pictures look the same. Or it’s not the same person. Eat a banana and go for a run. Stop getting up the hopes of brides who have procrastinated their wedding diet.
  5. Bit-mojis.

    I’m arguably the most upset about this dumb shit. Maybe because a lot of people who are near and dear to me are participating. You’re better than this. Knock it off.

  6. Check-ins With No Text. You can’t just check in to a place. Write something ANYTHING… About what you’re doing there. Posts that just read “John is at 24-hr fitness” get me yelling at my screen the way that sports fans yell when bad stuff happens. (notice that I couldn’t even cite one example of this “bad stuff” that might happen during ANY sporting event.)
  7. When I see posts that read “Well, I’m doing some spring cleaning of my friends list so I guess if you don’t see my posts anymore you didn’t make the cut.” —You have NO IDEA how disappointed I am when I make the cut.
  8. Any sentence ending in “Fam“. I googled it for a while …turns out it’s just douche-baggery. It has no meaning. At all.
  9. Tweets/Social Media Updates that read something along the lines of “Welp, guess I’m off to bed for the night. g’night.” I have no further commentary on this.
  10. And last but chief among them all, if you respond to one of my texts with

    “lol. ur so random.” GO THROW YOUR PHONE IN A LAKE AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

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