Ahhhhh, the smartphone: enabling us to share our fondest memories and annoy each other since 1993.
As the creator of many unimportant Facebook updates and Instagram posts, I am by no means claiming innocence here. I would just like to share 10 things that make me want to strip away a smartphone user’s privileges.
- Photos of Poorly Presented Food. I understand that food pictures are a hot-button topic for the easily annoyed. I’m not a hater of joy. I LOVE me some good food porn. I follow a Paleo diet Monday-Friday, so I could use a photo of your gorgeous brownie sundae adorned with a gooey cookie. But when people post photos of the oatmeal they ate for breakfast, out of a paper bowl with not even one berry in sight… I feel like they’ve wasted my life.
- People who are openly upset about the happiness of others. What kind of bitter monster do you have to be to post things like “If I have to see one more picture of a baby or an engaged couple I will lose my shit!”? I would imagine you’re the same kind of people that participate in my next order of business..
- Cryptic Status Updates. “Well, that would be my luck.” or my personal favorite ” :(” …WHY ARE THERE STILL PEOPLE ASKING THESE PEOPLE WHAT’S WRONG?!?! THEY’RE JUST MISERABLE. STOP ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR.
- The Advertisement of Body Wraps and Miracle Juices. The before and after pictures look the same. Or it’s not the same person. Eat a banana and go for a run. Stop getting up the hopes of brides who have procrastinated their wedding diet.
I’m arguably the most upset about this dumb shit. Maybe because a lot of people who are near and dear to me are participating. You’re better than this. Knock it off.
- Check-ins With No Text. You can’t just check in to a place. Write something… ANYTHING… About what you’re doing there. Posts that just read “John is at 24-hr fitness” get me yelling at my screen the way that sports fans yell when bad stuff happens. (notice that I couldn’t even cite one example of this “bad stuff” that might happen during ANY sporting event.)
- When I see posts that read “Well, I’m doing some spring cleaning of my friends list so I guess if you don’t see my posts anymore you didn’t make the cut.” —You have NO IDEA how disappointed I am when I make the cut.
- Any sentence ending in “Fam“. I googled it for a while …turns out it’s just douche-baggery. It has no meaning. At all.
- Tweets/Social Media Updates that read something along the lines of “Welp, guess I’m off to bed for the night. g’night.” I have no further commentary on this.
- And last but chief among them all, if you respond to one of my texts with
“lol. ur so random.” GO THROW YOUR PHONE IN A LAKE AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.