This may be my only blog post without photos included.
Sometimes… We get hurt.
Sometimes we feel the need to show the people around us our battle scars.
I’m supportive of these human instincts and participate myself.
There’s a big fat “but” coming.
Let me just put this out in your ether. IT IS NOT COOL TO MAKE ME STUMBLE UPON YOUR BURNED HAND, BLOODY SKINNED KNEE OR BUSTED LIP WHILE I’M ENJOYING MY MORNING COFFEE AND SCROLL THROUGH MY SOCIAL MEDIA.
Time and time again I’ve had to feel all of the muscles in my body tense and crunch together (sometimes accompanied by an audible “oh God.”) and I just need to know.
What are you thinking?!
This is not a rhetorical question. I seriously want someone to explain this to me.
Remember in the 3rd grade when all your classmates found out what hot dogs were made out of and you expressed that you liked them everyone was like “omg ewwwwwww you like hot dogs?!?!”
That’s what owning a cat is like.
I didn’t select her as a pet myself, and was hesitant about getting into a relationship with a man who owned a cat, but here we are…2 years later … with the cat and a pending matrimony.
Samus and I are basically BFFs.
Thanks to Taylor Swift, the stigma of owning a cat has softened. Still, when people find out that I have a cat, (whether through conversation or the white hair that is sometimes all over my leggings) 8 times out of 10 some display of surprise or dismay occurs. I’ve given up on defending the issue.
But today I’m writing to say MY CAT IS JUST AS GOOD OF A PET AS YOUR DOG SO STOP BEING SO MEAN!!
It’s hard because sometimes I’m so proud of my fur-child for successfully doing her tricks, and the implied eye rolls that I experience from people stop me from sharing things like this:
Also. No. Our house does not smell.
Additionally, I enjoy not picking up her shit with my hands. (For now. I’m actually really excited about owning a pug soon, shits and all.)
And lastly… Your constant publicly shaming, calling me a cat lady, telling me cats are gross etc… Doesn’t make you more rad than I am. You’re the one who has to feel like a hypocrite as you secretly enjoy internet cat photos and gifs.
For someone who has never smoked weed in their life (this is real, and you can verify with anyone who has ever tried to peer pressure me into it), I sure do snack like a stoner sometimes.
Thus, I’ve decided to start an occasional blog segment dedicated to sharing my late night creations with all of you. I’ll tell you right now… These concoctions typically contain peanut butter or tortilla chips. In today’s instance, It’s JUST peanut butter and tortilla chips.
RO’S CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER
Serves: 1 (because nobody is gonna eat this with you)
5-10 tablespoons smooth peanut butter
32 tortilla chips (or more because I don’t believe in judgment)
1 sense of adventure
- Open the jar of peanut butter
- Open a brand new bag of tortilla chips, because if you’re the type of person interested in this blog post… I know you polished off the last bag in one sitting.
- Select the sturdiest looking chips in the bag.
- Delicately dip your chips individually into the peanut butter using your fingers to support the back of each chip so that they don’t break in the jar.
- Put it in your mouth. Enjoy the salty sweet crunch and ignore anyone who questions what you’re doing.
Yesterday I began a 60 hour journey that the majority of the nation has wisely spread out over the past 5 years.
In true millennial binge fashion, I watched many of the early episodes of Game of Thrones in one sitting.
Now, aside from my having a terrible sense of direction paired with the show’s constant references to things being to the North and East of one another… I’m hooked.
Here are my initial learnings.
(Also. I apologize in advance, I don’t know any of their names and I’m not willing to do any sort of Google research because, spoilers)
- I want one of these wolf puppies. Real bad.
- The ingestion of any snacks that aren’t chewy is forbidden while watching GOT because if you miss any dialogue due to crunching, you’re lost for the rest of the episode.
- From what I hear, any character I like will die. One of the wolf dogs already died and according to my heartstrings, this guy is probably next. (Except…I think I saw him on one of the late night shows and all of the GOT promotional material recently, so maybe not. NOBODY TELL ME!)
- Dragon eggs make a great wedding gift.
(But seriously, for $100 you can have these. Game of Thrones Dragon Eggs Collectible Set. You’re welcome. Also, seriously…nobody buy these for our wedding.)
- John Snow is probably the only character’s name I’ll learn, because my fiancé gave me a whole history that I’m convinced he researched. Here are my takeaways from his lesson in family tree form:
- There are never too many boobs when trying to achieve great ratings. Disappointingly for my 2 male readers, this bullet point is not accompanied by a photo.
That’s all folks.
You did it! You found someone who will let you annoy them for the rest of your time on God’s great earth!
Now it’s time to spend your life savings (or the life savings of your proud parents) on throwing a party that some of your guests will inevitably complain about having to attend.
The guest list can be the most stressful aspect of wedding planning. Thanks to my upcoming nuptials, I have some experience and I’m here to help.
Tip 1. Avoid everyone in your social circle that you only kind of like but might feel obligated to invite. I reccommend doing this for the whole year before your wedding. This way, they won’t be expecting an invitation.
Tip 2. Don’t make ANY new friends this year. You’ll make an emotional decision to invite them and then you may never see them again.
Tip 3. Avoid slippery slope invites. For example… If you invite one member of your bowling league, you’re going to need to invite them all. Even Beer Gut Bill.
Tip 4. If your parents are paying for the wedding, they can invite a couple of people you don’t like that much.
Tip 5. Go ahead and invite those embarrassing members of your family you haven’t seen in a while. Consider this memory making in advance.
Tip 6. Remember the guy who drank too much threw up at your birthday party years ago? He’ll do it again. Your call. Just heed my warning.
Tip 7. Whenever your get overwhelmed just gaze into that diamond on your hand.
And Tip 8. Some rare, serious advice. Breathe. Remember. This is one day. Bickering over the guest list is no way to kick off a lifetime together. So let your future hubby invite that friend that you disapprove of for no reason (aside from her big boobs).
I don’t know when Snapchat transformed from the shadiest app you could own to the dumbest, but I prefer dumb over shady all day long.
I’ve been playing with the new filters. HARD. It’s true that my insides stir when I think about the fact that each day the “featured filter” is just an advertisement in sheep’s clothing, but the little voice inside of me that screams “Doooooo it!!! Stick your tongue out and see what haaaaaaaaappppppens.” always takes over.
Here are today’s results:
Now this one my fiancé accurately described as “The stuff of nightmares”. Although, I’ll tell you what, I wish my lips were that cute in real life.
I feel like I’ve definitely met people who look like this one below. I’m pretty sure they were complaining about the customer service ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE I’VE ENCOUNTERED THEM.
“I’m on my lunch break, and didn’t allow myself enough time to do all my errands and it’s definitely your fault.”
If I ever get pulled over again, I plan to ask the cop if I’m pulling this off. My track record isn’t great so…any day now.
This one is just to remind you guys that I’m actually not a monster.
I feel like Tyra Banks had something to do with this next one and I’m surprised it wasn’t a promo filter for America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 126
This is the universal “I want to post a selfie/send a selfie snap, but people have been making fun of me for posting/sending too many selfies” go-to. I see what you did there ladies… I’ve gone through the same thought process myself. It’s not annoying if there are dog ears on it. It’s completely different than the other 7 you’ve exposed us to this week. I ain’t mad at cha.
And just to prove that I’m committed to my craft; This.
Ps. I just realized there was a piece of string in my hair throughout the whole duration of my photoshoot. Adds character.
Ahhhhh, the smartphone: enabling us to share our fondest memories and annoy each other since 1993.
As the creator of many unimportant Facebook updates and Instagram posts, I am by no means claiming innocence here. I would just like to share 10 things that make me want to strip away a smartphone user’s privileges.
- Photos of Poorly Presented Food. I understand that food pictures are a hot-button topic for the easily annoyed. I’m not a hater of joy. I LOVE me some good food porn. I follow a Paleo diet Monday-Friday, so I could use a photo of your gorgeous brownie sundae adorned with a gooey cookie. But when people post photos of the oatmeal they ate for breakfast, out of a paper bowl with not even one berry in sight… I feel like they’ve wasted my life.
- People who are openly upset about the happiness of others. What kind of bitter monster do you have to be to post things like “If I have to see one more picture of a baby or an engaged couple I will lose my shit!”? I would imagine you’re the same kind of people that participate in my next order of business..
- Cryptic Status Updates. “Well, that would be my luck.” or my personal favorite ” :(” …WHY ARE THERE STILL PEOPLE ASKING THESE PEOPLE WHAT’S WRONG?!?! THEY’RE JUST MISERABLE. STOP ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR.
- The Advertisement of Body Wraps and Miracle Juices. The before and after pictures look the same. Or it’s not the same person. Eat a banana and go for a run. Stop getting up the hopes of brides who have procrastinated their wedding diet.
I’m arguably the most upset about this dumb shit. Maybe because a lot of people who are near and dear to me are participating. You’re better than this. Knock it off.
- Check-ins With No Text. You can’t just check in to a place. Write something… ANYTHING… About what you’re doing there. Posts that just read “John is at 24-hr fitness” get me yelling at my screen the way that sports fans yell when bad stuff happens. (notice that I couldn’t even cite one example of this “bad stuff” that might happen during ANY sporting event.)
- When I see posts that read “Well, I’m doing some spring cleaning of my friends list so I guess if you don’t see my posts anymore you didn’t make the cut.” —You have NO IDEA how disappointed I am when I make the cut.
- Any sentence ending in “Fam“. I googled it for a while …turns out it’s just douche-baggery. It has no meaning. At all.
- Tweets/Social Media Updates that read something along the lines of “Welp, guess I’m off to bed for the night. g’night.” I have no further commentary on this.
- And last but chief among them all, if you respond to one of my texts with
“lol. ur so random.” GO THROW YOUR PHONE IN A LAKE AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.